Have a wonderful New Year filled with love, from me and Mr. Snuggles!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
My first Christmas without Mom
I'm not used to the social pressures of Christmas -- usually I just spend a quiet Winter Solstice at home, maybe volunteer to help out friends with their gift giving/buying, and just order take out for dinner, but this year is the first Christmas without my mother and my aunt... they celebrated the birth of Jesus Christ at this time of year. After someone dies in your family, the holidays become more important and more emotional. I look forward to spending time with my relatives, yet I am stressed that giving gifts isn't enough to really show them I care. Over the last twenty years I spent most of my energy exerting my independence and time away from them, all the while trying to get them to understand why I'm different, expecting them to accept and tolerate what makes me different from them, and then just drifting apart from them because, despite our blood ties, how could they ever accept me? I owe them much more than a trinket or stocking stuffer or whatever -- they are my blood, my life, our connections go deep -- so this holiday season all I really feel like doing is being a shoulder to lean on or asking for one to lean on myself. I haven't always been the perfect daughter, or niece, or cousin. I'm awkward.
I don't ever really fully "fit in" with the crowds of like minds I hang with, too. I forget birthdays, don't always have the money to spend on gifts, and most of the time I'm too self absorbed to remember to wish anyone else anything! And when I do remember it's never in the timely fashion it should be. During the holidays I often find myself apologising to people! I liken this to the way I often have a hard time keeping house -- I just kinda spaz out on the normal social rituals other people practice and I just let too much go til it gets so gone it's nearly impossible to salvage. Ms. Suzy Homemaker I'm not -- and etiquette? What's that? I live in a world where I follow my own flow and, even though I really do care about my friends and family, I'm so used to being alone I lack the "nice" behavior everyone else is clued in on. What stresses me out the most sometimes is when I am invited to a holiday party or family get-together and everyone is expected to "do something" and yet I'm never sure what I'm in for. The last two times I felt so completely inept socially was during a friend's wedding and, most recently, a friend's birthday -- both times I forgot to wrap a gift or present it properly and everyone but me is passing the gifts to the friend-in-honor, taking photos, and handing out gift cards -- I just sit in the sidelines, the only one not following protocol. You would think that it's due to a lack of social training in my family upbringing, but this is not so. You'll see what I mean in a minute...
Christmas with my mother always meant she'd bake a cake and decorate it up for Jesus. We'd sing the "Happy Birthday" song to Jesus and the rest of the night consisted of singing carols or watching films like "The Greatest Story Ever Told", "Spartacus" or "The Ten Comandments". There was always an exchanage of gifts between family members, we'd attend Church, volunteer at homeless shelters or half-way houses, and then Christmas night was spent with friends and another exchange of gifts. It was a time to remember everyone else, never a time to indulge too much in what you wanted. There were Christmases that we went without toys, not because my Mom couldn't afford them, but because we were too busy making sure other people were getting taken care of. My mother was very social, too -- in the house and in church and at work -- busy all hours of the day baking and cooking, keeping and collecting gift cards, always making sure the right people got thanked and were told "I love you" and above all we had to think of God. "The most important things to remember to tell other people is 'I love you' and 'thank you,'" She instructed me from age one, "because you may be the one person in their lives that will ever tell them that." She would also make sure we remembered to wish Jesus a Happy Birthday because He was the reason for the season. It wasn't just a simple well-wishing, it was something very serious. Christmas was fun but mostly, for our little single parent family, it was all about the Jesus. She spent most of my life separated from her family and, when we were reunited with her brothers and sisters after my Aunt Sandy died from breast cancer in 1986, a whole new monthly ritual of birthdays and anniversaries began. The most important of these was Christmas.
Christmases were always spent at my Aunt Madge and Uncle Orley's house. This meant gift giving and cooking became more complicated! There were more people to remember to give gifts to and cook for. I wasn't always prepared to know what exactly to get my relatives for Christmas and oftentimes I was surprised to get a gift I really wanted from an aunt or uncle! My mother made sure she taught me to remember to thank God, but my aunts and uncles and cousins made sure to teach me to remember to appreciate each other. Christmas with my extended family could be just as stressful as the holidays I spent with Mom at church. Gift giving and holiday cooking was like religion. If you didn't do it right or often enough it meant you didn't care, so you had to get going with the ritual to make sure everyone knew they were loved and appreciated. Jesus' birthday was like celebrating everyone else's birthday, too. As an adult looking back on this, I liken it to recognizing God in each other. You saw a desire or need in someone you love and you fill it, pass it on, keep the love flowing... It was hard work to keep up with it! My Aunt Madge was the very matriarch of holiday protocol. While my mother was busy with the religious duties of taking us to church, my aunt was making and keeping a list all year long, both of them always prepared to make sure the kids and everyone else was remembered. Whenever I got gifts for my mom or aunt, I never felt like what I gave them was good enough -- they worked SO HARD to make sure everyone else was having a good time that my efforts to make sure they had a good time seemed so small.
It wasn't like they were hugely strict, it was because they were so powerful in my mind, how could I ever carry on what they did? Even at age 39 I feel like a child. I never was all that interested in the Christian religion like my mother was. I had other ideas and experiences. I don't like to cook or bake. I just wanted to be left alone. I experienced an epic fail one Thanksgiving day in the year 1990 -- it was my turn to cook the turkey and prepare a meal for my mother and brother and I -- but, not being all that talented in the cooking department, I forgot to thaw the turkey! So, no turkey dinner! And Mom was so unhappy she cried and cried and screamed and screamed at me for being so thoughtless. It was not long after that I lost interest in participating in family holiday celebrations altogether. Not because I didn't love my family, it was because I just didn't feel like my contributions would be good enough and that I would no longer be accepted because, after a lifetime of being forced to follow along with Christianity, I found a religion that perfectly fit in with who I am and didn't expect me to be anything I wasn't. I turned my back on my mother's religion, NOT on my mother, but rejecting something that was very important to her, something she believed in with her whole heart and soul, was like me turning my back on her forever. I always felt I failed her, but I would never lie to her. I always made sure to share with her who I am. I wanted to make sure she knew that what she taught me made me the woman I am today and that she was a good mother. But religion would be the one thing that kept us separate.
No matter the tolerance I maintain, I still find it difficult to forgive Christians for convincing my mother that I was going to Hell. The Christian religion separated us. After telling her I was a Witch, there was nothing I could do to make it up to her. She hit a brick wall whenever I shared with her what I believed and why I believed what I believed. For a couple Christmases after "coming out of the broom closet" to my Mom, the ritual of Christmas itself became more stressful. Every Christmas I found myself explaining and feeling obligated to educate, enlighten, and take all the fun out of celebrating the holidays with Christians. I eventually found it far less stressful to spend more time with other pagans and witches. Eventually it was harder to even visit with my mother altogether. It wasn't that I was rejecting her, in fact I had complete respect and perfect love for her and NEVER expected her to believe what I believed. I accepted her for who she was, my mother, and that acceptance went beyond religion. Simple matters of religious rituals aren't that imporant to the God(s), the Divine doesn't care what we call Them, what matters most is that we be excellent to each other!
Every Christmas I am reminded of the "silent night" carol -- the whole peace on earth theme -- and what that really means for us all, regardless of our individual religious affiliations. If we spend too much time focusing on "being right" we forget how to treat each other right. I hate having religious debates, especially when no one can seem to reach a common ground. The key to having world peace is to understand and tolerate our differences and still practice what we believe is right. With that said, I don't feel now that I failed my mother, but I still feel guilty every Christmas because now, after she's dead, I can't get all the holidays I missed with her back. Not just the holidays, but the days and nights we could've been better friends... if only her religion had permitted her to let go of that horrible belief that everyone is going to suffer eternal damnation if they aren't "saved" by letting Jesus into their heart. The last few years I've spent with my mother I did everything I could to please her and make her feel comfortable. This meant having to bite my lip and "wish Jesus a happy birthday" like we used to when I was a child. She could share with me what she believed, but I dared not share what I believed or practiced (even though she would repeatedly tell me she wanted to know more about me). Whenever I did share, she would cut me off, my brother would tell me to shut-up, and so for the last five Christmases I've had to constantly police myself and make sure all the Christians around me were respected. I "turned the other cheek" more times than perhaps they ever have. And every Christmas I would get depressed.
On the other hand, for the last two Winter Solstices I've had a loyal group of friends to celebrate with. While Christmases remained blue ones for me, Yule has become this explosion of social happiness -- the good kind of stress -- ! But now that my mother has died, my holiday stress isn't over... I'm hoping that this Christmas will be an emotional uplifting of the restrictions I felt I had to comply to with my mother. And yet... I feel the burden of her loss, made all the more intense because my aunt passed away this year, too. Will my little gifts wrapped with care be enough to soothe the hearts of my relatives? Gathering with them for Thanksgiving was a nice welcome after so many years being apart. I think this Christmas will be the same, but... there is still a nagging hurt in my heart.
I'm rediscovering that my family loves me (it's something I should've never forgotten). That makes this season more special than ever before. The emotional separation I had with my mother is gone, but now dealing with the physical separation is made easier reconnecting with the rest of the family. Yet I can't help still feeling like an insensitive dork when it comes to not contributing food I hand-cooked and giving only small, inexpensive gifts (some of them I hand made) -- yet do I really have to "go all out" to show I care? Would my Aunt Madge approve of the way I saved money or spent money or whatever? I remember one thing she told me after my Uncle Orley died when I expressed to her how sorry I was for not being around enough to help out. She said, "You're here now, that's what counts." Maybe that is the answer I've been asking for: just "being there" is the gift my family needs.
No matter what the holiday or differences in religion or lifestyle, WE are the GIFTS our family really needs.
I smile after writing that line. Thank you, Madge. Thank you, Mom. I'm here now.
I don't ever really fully "fit in" with the crowds of like minds I hang with, too. I forget birthdays, don't always have the money to spend on gifts, and most of the time I'm too self absorbed to remember to wish anyone else anything! And when I do remember it's never in the timely fashion it should be. During the holidays I often find myself apologising to people! I liken this to the way I often have a hard time keeping house -- I just kinda spaz out on the normal social rituals other people practice and I just let too much go til it gets so gone it's nearly impossible to salvage. Ms. Suzy Homemaker I'm not -- and etiquette? What's that? I live in a world where I follow my own flow and, even though I really do care about my friends and family, I'm so used to being alone I lack the "nice" behavior everyone else is clued in on. What stresses me out the most sometimes is when I am invited to a holiday party or family get-together and everyone is expected to "do something" and yet I'm never sure what I'm in for. The last two times I felt so completely inept socially was during a friend's wedding and, most recently, a friend's birthday -- both times I forgot to wrap a gift or present it properly and everyone but me is passing the gifts to the friend-in-honor, taking photos, and handing out gift cards -- I just sit in the sidelines, the only one not following protocol. You would think that it's due to a lack of social training in my family upbringing, but this is not so. You'll see what I mean in a minute...
Christmas with my mother always meant she'd bake a cake and decorate it up for Jesus. We'd sing the "Happy Birthday" song to Jesus and the rest of the night consisted of singing carols or watching films like "The Greatest Story Ever Told", "Spartacus" or "The Ten Comandments". There was always an exchanage of gifts between family members, we'd attend Church, volunteer at homeless shelters or half-way houses, and then Christmas night was spent with friends and another exchange of gifts. It was a time to remember everyone else, never a time to indulge too much in what you wanted. There were Christmases that we went without toys, not because my Mom couldn't afford them, but because we were too busy making sure other people were getting taken care of. My mother was very social, too -- in the house and in church and at work -- busy all hours of the day baking and cooking, keeping and collecting gift cards, always making sure the right people got thanked and were told "I love you" and above all we had to think of God. "The most important things to remember to tell other people is 'I love you' and 'thank you,'" She instructed me from age one, "because you may be the one person in their lives that will ever tell them that." She would also make sure we remembered to wish Jesus a Happy Birthday because He was the reason for the season. It wasn't just a simple well-wishing, it was something very serious. Christmas was fun but mostly, for our little single parent family, it was all about the Jesus. She spent most of my life separated from her family and, when we were reunited with her brothers and sisters after my Aunt Sandy died from breast cancer in 1986, a whole new monthly ritual of birthdays and anniversaries began. The most important of these was Christmas.
Christmases were always spent at my Aunt Madge and Uncle Orley's house. This meant gift giving and cooking became more complicated! There were more people to remember to give gifts to and cook for. I wasn't always prepared to know what exactly to get my relatives for Christmas and oftentimes I was surprised to get a gift I really wanted from an aunt or uncle! My mother made sure she taught me to remember to thank God, but my aunts and uncles and cousins made sure to teach me to remember to appreciate each other. Christmas with my extended family could be just as stressful as the holidays I spent with Mom at church. Gift giving and holiday cooking was like religion. If you didn't do it right or often enough it meant you didn't care, so you had to get going with the ritual to make sure everyone knew they were loved and appreciated. Jesus' birthday was like celebrating everyone else's birthday, too. As an adult looking back on this, I liken it to recognizing God in each other. You saw a desire or need in someone you love and you fill it, pass it on, keep the love flowing... It was hard work to keep up with it! My Aunt Madge was the very matriarch of holiday protocol. While my mother was busy with the religious duties of taking us to church, my aunt was making and keeping a list all year long, both of them always prepared to make sure the kids and everyone else was remembered. Whenever I got gifts for my mom or aunt, I never felt like what I gave them was good enough -- they worked SO HARD to make sure everyone else was having a good time that my efforts to make sure they had a good time seemed so small.
It wasn't like they were hugely strict, it was because they were so powerful in my mind, how could I ever carry on what they did? Even at age 39 I feel like a child. I never was all that interested in the Christian religion like my mother was. I had other ideas and experiences. I don't like to cook or bake. I just wanted to be left alone. I experienced an epic fail one Thanksgiving day in the year 1990 -- it was my turn to cook the turkey and prepare a meal for my mother and brother and I -- but, not being all that talented in the cooking department, I forgot to thaw the turkey! So, no turkey dinner! And Mom was so unhappy she cried and cried and screamed and screamed at me for being so thoughtless. It was not long after that I lost interest in participating in family holiday celebrations altogether. Not because I didn't love my family, it was because I just didn't feel like my contributions would be good enough and that I would no longer be accepted because, after a lifetime of being forced to follow along with Christianity, I found a religion that perfectly fit in with who I am and didn't expect me to be anything I wasn't. I turned my back on my mother's religion, NOT on my mother, but rejecting something that was very important to her, something she believed in with her whole heart and soul, was like me turning my back on her forever. I always felt I failed her, but I would never lie to her. I always made sure to share with her who I am. I wanted to make sure she knew that what she taught me made me the woman I am today and that she was a good mother. But religion would be the one thing that kept us separate.
No matter the tolerance I maintain, I still find it difficult to forgive Christians for convincing my mother that I was going to Hell. The Christian religion separated us. After telling her I was a Witch, there was nothing I could do to make it up to her. She hit a brick wall whenever I shared with her what I believed and why I believed what I believed. For a couple Christmases after "coming out of the broom closet" to my Mom, the ritual of Christmas itself became more stressful. Every Christmas I found myself explaining and feeling obligated to educate, enlighten, and take all the fun out of celebrating the holidays with Christians. I eventually found it far less stressful to spend more time with other pagans and witches. Eventually it was harder to even visit with my mother altogether. It wasn't that I was rejecting her, in fact I had complete respect and perfect love for her and NEVER expected her to believe what I believed. I accepted her for who she was, my mother, and that acceptance went beyond religion. Simple matters of religious rituals aren't that imporant to the God(s), the Divine doesn't care what we call Them, what matters most is that we be excellent to each other!
Every Christmas I am reminded of the "silent night" carol -- the whole peace on earth theme -- and what that really means for us all, regardless of our individual religious affiliations. If we spend too much time focusing on "being right" we forget how to treat each other right. I hate having religious debates, especially when no one can seem to reach a common ground. The key to having world peace is to understand and tolerate our differences and still practice what we believe is right. With that said, I don't feel now that I failed my mother, but I still feel guilty every Christmas because now, after she's dead, I can't get all the holidays I missed with her back. Not just the holidays, but the days and nights we could've been better friends... if only her religion had permitted her to let go of that horrible belief that everyone is going to suffer eternal damnation if they aren't "saved" by letting Jesus into their heart. The last few years I've spent with my mother I did everything I could to please her and make her feel comfortable. This meant having to bite my lip and "wish Jesus a happy birthday" like we used to when I was a child. She could share with me what she believed, but I dared not share what I believed or practiced (even though she would repeatedly tell me she wanted to know more about me). Whenever I did share, she would cut me off, my brother would tell me to shut-up, and so for the last five Christmases I've had to constantly police myself and make sure all the Christians around me were respected. I "turned the other cheek" more times than perhaps they ever have. And every Christmas I would get depressed.
On the other hand, for the last two Winter Solstices I've had a loyal group of friends to celebrate with. While Christmases remained blue ones for me, Yule has become this explosion of social happiness -- the good kind of stress -- ! But now that my mother has died, my holiday stress isn't over... I'm hoping that this Christmas will be an emotional uplifting of the restrictions I felt I had to comply to with my mother. And yet... I feel the burden of her loss, made all the more intense because my aunt passed away this year, too. Will my little gifts wrapped with care be enough to soothe the hearts of my relatives? Gathering with them for Thanksgiving was a nice welcome after so many years being apart. I think this Christmas will be the same, but... there is still a nagging hurt in my heart.
I'm rediscovering that my family loves me (it's something I should've never forgotten). That makes this season more special than ever before. The emotional separation I had with my mother is gone, but now dealing with the physical separation is made easier reconnecting with the rest of the family. Yet I can't help still feeling like an insensitive dork when it comes to not contributing food I hand-cooked and giving only small, inexpensive gifts (some of them I hand made) -- yet do I really have to "go all out" to show I care? Would my Aunt Madge approve of the way I saved money or spent money or whatever? I remember one thing she told me after my Uncle Orley died when I expressed to her how sorry I was for not being around enough to help out. She said, "You're here now, that's what counts." Maybe that is the answer I've been asking for: just "being there" is the gift my family needs.
No matter what the holiday or differences in religion or lifestyle, WE are the GIFTS our family really needs.
I smile after writing that line. Thank you, Madge. Thank you, Mom. I'm here now.
Friday, December 17, 2010
My take on the "Happy Holidays" debate!
First of all -- HAPPY SATURNALIA everyone!
You wish me a Merry Christmas, don't be surprised if I wish you a Happy Yule or the generic "Happy Holidays" -- it's not politically correct, it's about each other wishing happiness for the other, no matter what your faith or culture!
I don't hate anyone who is different than me, and I don't make it a practice to push my beliefs on others, but sometimes being different makes it more difficult to be on the same page with other people. The only way to land on that page together is to start opening up and create a common dialogue. When you take the time to learn about what makes each of us different and find out what we have in common, the better we can fully appreciate and respect each other. But before you can reach that understanding, you have to have confidence and self respect as well. If you worry and obsess over what to say to others, you're caring more about what they think and believe in the wrong way! To give respect, you have to have respect.
Want to grasp the key to world peace this holiday season? Don't get politically correct, don't just generically assume everyone should consider your feelings,
and don't make it mandatory that what you believe should be the universal standard! If you are truly a good, spiritual person and practice a faith that preaches good will to all, you not only owe it to your fellow human being, but also owe it to yourself to reach outside of your comfort zone and really put that good faith in practice and really, truthfully and honestly, wish with all your might and heart for a stranger to have a happy holy day (the root of holiday is holy) REGARDLESS of what you or she may or may not celebrate.
I don't have to make you study my religion to get you to respect me during the holiday season! I find it equally crass and rude to hit your more conservative Christian relatives over the head with a detailed description of what Pagans celebrate. However, it's equally rude for those conservative Christians to assume that their "reason for the season" is the one and only origin of the season! The celebration of Christmas has its roots deep in ancient paganism. If you want to get deeply specific about the origins of Christmas, you have to realize that Christianity is not the only religion in the world that celebrates the virgin birth of a demi-God (a son or daughter of a God) during the longest night of the year, the Winter Solstice. But I don't want to play a religiously correct who-can-piss-the-most contest during the holidays! Wicca is also about giving good will to all humans this time of year, something that everyone lacks all year long, so it is best to let someone wish me a Merry Christmas because it's the right thing to do. It's not politically correct. It's just RIGHT to let someone wish you happiness and it's WRONG to make something as simple and good as a wish for happiness into something poltical, something selfish...
When someone assumes you celebrate what they celebrate, just smile and wish them the same. Wishing someone happiness should be something that is sincere. The winter seasons are harsh. The sunlight is shorter. People are more prone to becoming depressed from lack of sunlight. To reach out to someone and wish them happiness during a normally bleak season reflects genuine good will. It's not just politically correct to be "nice" during the holidays, it's a sentiment that should be practiced all year long!
I'm not Christian and I used to hate it whenever everyone assumed I celebrated Christmas. So whenever anyone wished me a Merry Christmas, I would turn around and say "Happy Yule!" If people want to get specific about what holy day to wish for someone, I usually felt obligated to wish them MY happy holy day! *snickers*
I find it MUCH more insulting when people assume Pagans and Witches don't celebrate a holy day like Christmas. We celebrate the same essential holiday but it centers around the Winter Solstice. If you want to know more about what Yule is, you can check out the description at Wikipedia, or go here to read up on the ancient origins of Winter Solstice holiday traditions, or go to Circle Sanctuary's page on Celebrating the Winter Solstice for extensive information on today's pagan holiday traditions and ancient pagan celebrations and visit Wikipedia for information on what happens during the Winter Solstice. I don't have to go into huge detail myself about what I celebrate because in our day and age so much information is already out there. And yet each Witch celebrates the Solstice differently. Everyone has their own individual celebrations. Winter is so dull and we're all stuck indoors because it's too cold, so no wonder the season itself seems to beg us to have a party! If not to stay warm, to just keep our spirits up.
After practicing Witchcraft for 20 years, I'm no longer so sensitive about who wishes me what -- I realize that when someone wishes me a Merry Christmas it's the same thing as wishing me happiness for the season. We shouldn't have to get so annoyed or hateful or political when it comes to wishing happiness for others! It's all the same wish, no matter what the holy reason for each season. I don't like it when Christians get political about Christmas and nor do I like it whenever people push on everyone a generic holiday greeting as not just a suggestion, but as a law.
I've worked retail jobs all my life and it's never just been a suggestion, it's always been a professional policy to wish customers a generic holiday wish "Happy Holidays" because you don't want to make the assumption that everyone has the same faith or belongs to the same culture. You don't want to isolate yourself from a paying customer, you want to make their holiday shopping experience to be positive -- not just to be nice, but to make money! If a customer feels you truly respect them, they will tend to not only buy more but recommend their friends and family go to your store to recieve the same positive experience. Shopping during the holidays can be a terribly stressful time. The more you appeal to strangers and get on their good side, the more they will spend time in your store to escape the hurry-and-scurry of holiday shopping.
Also, working at retail stores that sell holiday items and candy meant getting educated about each holy day celebrated by North Americans -- there's literally dozens, if not hundreds, thousands(?!) of holidays and other special occasions to buy gifts for year round. One of the best jobs I had was at
Godiva Chocolatier! I learned that to make a big sale was to get the customer to tell me what the occasion was they were buying chocolate goodies for -- if you know more about them, the better you can individualize the sale and the customer feels you have genuinely respected them.
I don't feel ill will whenever someone wishes me a Merry Christmas and I no longer abrasively, pridefully wish them back my "reason for the season!" I think most people realize you are wishing them happiness, pure and simple, and it's meant to be a nice gesture, not a political issue.
I believe that the average person knows better anyway, that it's not that big of a deal, and yet it is a big deal to wish someone happiness all year long!
But if you really want to wish me something exoridindarily happy holiday you could say something that most pagans and non-pagans alike don't often say on the Solstice: AVE SOL INVICTUS! Meaning "Hail the Unconquered Sun!" Because after the longest night of the year, the sun is "reborn" and unconquered by the darkness -- we can look forward to the return of longer days and shorter nights -- we welcome the warmth, acknowledge that the winter will not last, and that happier, sunny days are ahead. Yay.
There should be no debate on that!
Monday, December 6, 2010
My Ronni Chasen Dream
Once outside the cafe I was chased down by a black limo. Inside the limo was Robert Loggia playing the role of a jealous Mob boss who demanded I get in the vechile with him. "Come on, lovely!" He cried, but I ran away down a narrow alley where the limo couldn't follow. I soon came to a hotel surrounded by tall palm trees and lit by red lights. It looked like a cheap hotel you'd see in the B-movies set in southern California. I quickly ducked into the closest open room.
The room inside was decorated in vermillion brocades and silks. I laid in bed with a dark-haired man with an incredibly tiny penis. I pulled on it to wake him and he cried out in pain. The door to the room opened and in walked the NPH-look-a-like. "They've discovered us, we got to leave!" he said and proceeded to start to pack a big black plastic bag full of clothes. Before we could leave, bullets from an automatic machine gun exploded through the room, killing the men but leaving me still alive. I escaped through a tiny window in the bathroom and found myself at a city crossroads in broad daylight riding a half-horse/half-sheep.
The creature took me up into the air and then flew up to a magic/New Age store. I found myself in a new female body -- this one with red hair and I was dressed in a green silk gown. Rebekah was there and she carried a big green book -- it was a book that was part of a series of workbooks full of spellwork and so on -- and apparently it was written by me, Valentina. I felt self-conscious because I soon realized the entire store was filled with people wanting me to autograph these books. I told Rebekah she didn't need to ask me and I asked her to help me escape. She pointed to a hidden door and I took off.
I found myself back at the fancy condo, but this time it was early morning. The interior was a lot like the historic Bradbury Building but the Italian Neo-Renaissance architecture was all green marble. As I headed outside the front glass doors, I saw Ronni Chasen dressed in a virgin fox fur coat and she held out a large silver gun, pointed it at me, and fired. As the bullets flew and broke all the glass, she was screaming that "it's all your fault" and "this is for sleeping with HIM!" and my last memory was the bullets themselves changing to glass into diamonds. I woke up with a start almost believing I had died!
It really freaked me out.
Monday, November 22, 2010
In The Moment
I'm not sure how to begin, so I'll keep this all in the moment...
My friend, Rebekah, likes to post songs for each day on her blog, so I'll start with the song I'm playing on my music player right at this moment: "Birthday" by The Cruxshadows. In fact... while I'm at it, I might as well embed my favorite Vampire Freaks music player here to give you a taste of how "life in my world" sounds! Skip ahead to song #3 (that's the one I'm listening to right now) and I apologize ahead of time because the first song has lots of naughty "f" word language. If you like this music player but you want to pick your own playlist, the folks at Vampire Freaks let you do just that. If you love gothic and industrial music, Go check it out!
What I've been drawing
Godwin and Findlay are timetraveler fops, or gentleman time floppers, or maybe they're just my fantasy boyfriends. Whatever the case, I've been dreaming them up for some time now and I'm still not quite sure how the story will be told. I want to draw them true to their time period, just like old fashioned 18th century cartoons, but set them here in our time and interact with people -- I imagine them teaching "us children" how to dance, love, make merry, and embellish ourselves with beauty... properly.
I love old photographs. When I look into those faces from a previous century I'm compelled to imagine what their lives must've been like. Then I want to draw them, to really touch who these people were and bring them back to life by drawing them into our age... While drawing them I re-interpret them. They become new characters. They spin stories in my mind. We have a sort of conversation between us. Unheard. It's wonderful.
What I did today
Doctor visits. Running in the rain with a garbage bag on my head. Daydreaming. Waiting. Being surrounded by students. The dark comes too soon, but I love it. People watching. Catching people with my camera lens...
I didn't bloody well care what people thought of me this morning wearing this garbage bag for cover. I forgot my umbrella and someone was kind enough to let me grab a bag to keep myself and the equipment in my bag from getting wet.
The rain came down cold, hard, heavy. I am happy I didn't get soaked!
I didn't get a chance to talk to the girl waiting beside me. She seemed both tired and sad and very busy texting. She was interesting. So were the other people around me...
I'm always hyper-aware of the people around me, keeps me on edge all the time, and photographing my surroundings and the people in them has given me a sense of control over my environment. I am dealing with agoraphobic tendencies lately and this self-given photographic assignment has helped me get out the door and saved me from constantly re-scheduling appointments I need to keep to keep track of my health.
I've taken to photographing my feet -- a sort of therapy where I place myself in the moment and kept my anxiety at bay. My life seems to be all about being too sensitive -- emotionally, psychically -- and my duty to myself to constantly balance, practice peace, and meditate, be in the moment, strive to calm.
I love taking walks in the rain-soaked air and delighting at the sound my shoes make on the wet pavement, how my soles sink in the muddy grass, looking up at the sky and wondering when we are going to get a blanket of snow.
Time spent in the doctor's office is not my cup of tea...
BUT I found out today that my a1c levels have dropped by one. I am crawling closer to my goal. My blood sugar has become lower, too. And (bonus!) I don't (yet) have to take a fast-acting insulin -- that means less injections. Yay! I'm getting healthier. Now... if only I could have a smaller belly and less double chin. I don't mind being fat but I do want to have more room to move myself around in, if you know what I mean.
How I Woke Up Today
Early mornings annoy me. I'm a night owl. But there are times when I really have no choice but to get up in the wee hours, especially on those days when I have to fast 10 hours and run to do some blood work at the hospital lab so I can check on my progress. I'm doing battle with diabetes. I am determined to overcome. Even though my body was aching and hungry, I rose up like the undead...
What's New in my Apartment
A lovely red, black, and gold mask. Over the full moon I'm going to give it a name. He perfectly matches the color scheme I have set in my livingroom. And speaking of my home, I'm doing a little re-arranging and re-imagining of my space. My Uncle Doug is giving me a computer at month's end and I haven't yet decided where we will put it. I think it will go up in the loft... but then I pussy-foot around about it. I won't know how things will all fit in my space until we get them all together in one place.
I don't usually decorate for the holiday season, but I am thinking about buying some white string lights to brighten up my livingroom and want to get a daylight lamp for the spider plant I now have growing in my home. The plant once grew in my mother's nursing home room. I feel most obligated to keep it healthy, however, I'm a dunce when it comes to taking care of plants. So far the plant seems to not mind the low light and the blossoms that sprouted while it was at my friend Dala's store are still there, and thriving.
What I'll be doing Next
Painting watercolor portraits of Chix and Sundance, my cousin Terry's lovely horses. Gotta go grocery shopping for a small Thanksgiving dinner I'll eat with my brother on The Turkey Day (it's not exactly an American Indian holiday but we do celebrate the harvest). I also plan on starting a "secret lost diary" of my own creation on Tumblr, but then again... I keep changing my mind. I also want to start a blog focusing on the teachings of Witchcraft ONLY -- a sort of witch's journal. I don't know! but you know what's most important at this very moment? I have to go home and get some supper and CLEAN MY KITCHEN because my recycling garbage has reached epic porportions again. Plus I am going to take up bellydancing again!
Love you and thanks for reading about what's in the moment right now in my world.
My friend, Rebekah, likes to post songs for each day on her blog, so I'll start with the song I'm playing on my music player right at this moment: "Birthday" by The Cruxshadows. In fact... while I'm at it, I might as well embed my favorite Vampire Freaks music player here to give you a taste of how "life in my world" sounds! Skip ahead to song #3 (that's the one I'm listening to right now) and I apologize ahead of time because the first song has lots of naughty "f" word language. If you like this music player but you want to pick your own playlist, the folks at Vampire Freaks let you do just that. If you love gothic and industrial music, Go check it out!
What I've been drawing
Godwin and Findlay are timetraveler fops, or gentleman time floppers, or maybe they're just my fantasy boyfriends. Whatever the case, I've been dreaming them up for some time now and I'm still not quite sure how the story will be told. I want to draw them true to their time period, just like old fashioned 18th century cartoons, but set them here in our time and interact with people -- I imagine them teaching "us children" how to dance, love, make merry, and embellish ourselves with beauty... properly.
I love old photographs. When I look into those faces from a previous century I'm compelled to imagine what their lives must've been like. Then I want to draw them, to really touch who these people were and bring them back to life by drawing them into our age... While drawing them I re-interpret them. They become new characters. They spin stories in my mind. We have a sort of conversation between us. Unheard. It's wonderful.
What I did today
Doctor visits. Running in the rain with a garbage bag on my head. Daydreaming. Waiting. Being surrounded by students. The dark comes too soon, but I love it. People watching. Catching people with my camera lens...
I didn't bloody well care what people thought of me this morning wearing this garbage bag for cover. I forgot my umbrella and someone was kind enough to let me grab a bag to keep myself and the equipment in my bag from getting wet.
The rain came down cold, hard, heavy. I am happy I didn't get soaked!
I didn't get a chance to talk to the girl waiting beside me. She seemed both tired and sad and very busy texting. She was interesting. So were the other people around me...
I'm always hyper-aware of the people around me, keeps me on edge all the time, and photographing my surroundings and the people in them has given me a sense of control over my environment. I am dealing with agoraphobic tendencies lately and this self-given photographic assignment has helped me get out the door and saved me from constantly re-scheduling appointments I need to keep to keep track of my health.
I've taken to photographing my feet -- a sort of therapy where I place myself in the moment and kept my anxiety at bay. My life seems to be all about being too sensitive -- emotionally, psychically -- and my duty to myself to constantly balance, practice peace, and meditate, be in the moment, strive to calm.
I love taking walks in the rain-soaked air and delighting at the sound my shoes make on the wet pavement, how my soles sink in the muddy grass, looking up at the sky and wondering when we are going to get a blanket of snow.
Time spent in the doctor's office is not my cup of tea...
BUT I found out today that my a1c levels have dropped by one. I am crawling closer to my goal. My blood sugar has become lower, too. And (bonus!) I don't (yet) have to take a fast-acting insulin -- that means less injections. Yay! I'm getting healthier. Now... if only I could have a smaller belly and less double chin. I don't mind being fat but I do want to have more room to move myself around in, if you know what I mean.
How I Woke Up Today
Early mornings annoy me. I'm a night owl. But there are times when I really have no choice but to get up in the wee hours, especially on those days when I have to fast 10 hours and run to do some blood work at the hospital lab so I can check on my progress. I'm doing battle with diabetes. I am determined to overcome. Even though my body was aching and hungry, I rose up like the undead...
What's New in my Apartment
A lovely red, black, and gold mask. Over the full moon I'm going to give it a name. He perfectly matches the color scheme I have set in my livingroom. And speaking of my home, I'm doing a little re-arranging and re-imagining of my space. My Uncle Doug is giving me a computer at month's end and I haven't yet decided where we will put it. I think it will go up in the loft... but then I pussy-foot around about it. I won't know how things will all fit in my space until we get them all together in one place.
I don't usually decorate for the holiday season, but I am thinking about buying some white string lights to brighten up my livingroom and want to get a daylight lamp for the spider plant I now have growing in my home. The plant once grew in my mother's nursing home room. I feel most obligated to keep it healthy, however, I'm a dunce when it comes to taking care of plants. So far the plant seems to not mind the low light and the blossoms that sprouted while it was at my friend Dala's store are still there, and thriving.
What I'll be doing Next
Painting watercolor portraits of Chix and Sundance, my cousin Terry's lovely horses. Gotta go grocery shopping for a small Thanksgiving dinner I'll eat with my brother on The Turkey Day (it's not exactly an American Indian holiday but we do celebrate the harvest). I also plan on starting a "secret lost diary" of my own creation on Tumblr, but then again... I keep changing my mind. I also want to start a blog focusing on the teachings of Witchcraft ONLY -- a sort of witch's journal. I don't know! but you know what's most important at this very moment? I have to go home and get some supper and CLEAN MY KITCHEN because my recycling garbage has reached epic porportions again. Plus I am going to take up bellydancing again!
Love you and thanks for reading about what's in the moment right now in my world.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Peek into my World
I've been hidden away in my own little world again. And I'm so drowsey, tired, hungry... winding down like a dying clock... I only have a few moments of energy left in me to post an illustrated essay of what I have been up to. Take a peek, leave your two-cents worth, and thanks for visiting. I really need some company these days. I want to have a tea party. A mad hatter kind of tea party. I want to take a nap. I wish I could blog in bed. I need someone to turn my crank. Wind me up (or is that WIND me up? as in "wind" the sort of thing that breezes by or blows? heh)... oh, sometimes the words come out into little planets spinning around and before long I'm stuck on a dream.
Where was I?
I can't stop drawing big costume epic characters. The stories come out of the faces. I feel like my drawings are alive. Or maybe it's because I've been so manic lately? I hope that at some point in my life what I do will no longer be hidden. I want to be known.
I don't want to be a mystery.
Melusine is, by far, a character -- nay, a goddess -- who I can honestly say is a familiar mystery, my kind of patron fairy godmother. There's not a moment I don't think about her and how I'm going to draw her next.
I imagine her with wings of flesh -- petals of flesh -- and her scales are also like human flesh but also chameleon-like. I see her gliding in the midnight wind -- the sound of the wind in naked tree branches during November may very well be the sound of her passing by...
I would like to introduce you to her, if I could. So far this is the best I can do.
In a previous blog post I had this drawing above barely finished. It took the entire month to flesh it out. I just kept coming back to the images -- erasing, editing, scribbling -- mostly drawn in bed while I was tummy sick.
And anxiety sick.
Just simply depressed sick.
And everytime I want to be outside, want to socialize, want to do SOMETHING I get sick. But I'm doing something about it. I am conquering it. I am producing images. Making my own world. And sometimes... just concentrating on drawing is all I need to combat anxiety.
My head is always in the clouds.
Really. It is.
What am I talking about? Sometimes my "crazy" slips in in very creative ways. I'm always exploring myself, wondering why I am who I am, and discovering the beauty I don't always see when I look in the mirror.
I am starting to fall asleep and it is only 3:30pm! The days and nights blur into each other at my house. Someday the clouds will lift, the pain will die, and all the poetry -- the great desire I feel -- all the passion brewing, boiling, bursting will be released from me onto an unsuspecting world. Or maybe I'm just taking myself too seriously.
Maybe what I need to do on the walk home today is just simply play.
I shouldn't plan it, I just should let it happen.
I'm not sure what else to say. Maybe I should just leave you with one more image and let it explain the way I feel right now, let it reveal what I've been dreaming about, let it swell in your head for a little while...
This is home right now. If you were here with me we could sit underneath this elm and share hot cups of tea. Ahhh... so sweet. I am in love with the idea. Where ever you are touch something (or someone) warm and you'll know what my heart feels like.
Where was I?
I can't stop drawing big costume epic characters. The stories come out of the faces. I feel like my drawings are alive. Or maybe it's because I've been so manic lately? I hope that at some point in my life what I do will no longer be hidden. I want to be known.
I don't want to be a mystery.
Melusine is, by far, a character -- nay, a goddess -- who I can honestly say is a familiar mystery, my kind of patron fairy godmother. There's not a moment I don't think about her and how I'm going to draw her next.
I imagine her with wings of flesh -- petals of flesh -- and her scales are also like human flesh but also chameleon-like. I see her gliding in the midnight wind -- the sound of the wind in naked tree branches during November may very well be the sound of her passing by...
I would like to introduce you to her, if I could. So far this is the best I can do.
In a previous blog post I had this drawing above barely finished. It took the entire month to flesh it out. I just kept coming back to the images -- erasing, editing, scribbling -- mostly drawn in bed while I was tummy sick.
And anxiety sick.
Just simply depressed sick.
And everytime I want to be outside, want to socialize, want to do SOMETHING I get sick. But I'm doing something about it. I am conquering it. I am producing images. Making my own world. And sometimes... just concentrating on drawing is all I need to combat anxiety.
My head is always in the clouds.
Really. It is.
What am I talking about? Sometimes my "crazy" slips in in very creative ways. I'm always exploring myself, wondering why I am who I am, and discovering the beauty I don't always see when I look in the mirror.
I am starting to fall asleep and it is only 3:30pm! The days and nights blur into each other at my house. Someday the clouds will lift, the pain will die, and all the poetry -- the great desire I feel -- all the passion brewing, boiling, bursting will be released from me onto an unsuspecting world. Or maybe I'm just taking myself too seriously.
Maybe what I need to do on the walk home today is just simply play.
I shouldn't plan it, I just should let it happen.
I'm not sure what else to say. Maybe I should just leave you with one more image and let it explain the way I feel right now, let it reveal what I've been dreaming about, let it swell in your head for a little while...
This is home right now. If you were here with me we could sit underneath this elm and share hot cups of tea. Ahhh... so sweet. I am in love with the idea. Where ever you are touch something (or someone) warm and you'll know what my heart feels like.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Watercolor Spirits
I've had a lot of time on my hands. I've been sick and full of panic and home seems to be the best place to hide from the outside world. However... it can also be boring. While home recovering from an illness, I am at a constant battle with boredom, therefore I am always coming up with creative ways to express myself. While my stomach grumbled and I couldn't sleep, I let my paints spill me out some images of unknown figures, images needing stories, and faces of loved ones dripped from my brush quite unexpectedly.
I also had run out of masking tape and am nearly out of paper! Oh, dear. Yet my urge to paint spoke louder than my poverty -- I ended up cutting the two pages of watercolor paper into bits and stretched it using scotch tape! The paint bled in the corners where the clear tape wouldn't take, altogether creating some pleasant effects. Sometimes using so called "mistakes" can accentuate the finished image. So these are watercolor rough drafts. Will they ever be finished? No.
This painting is very blurry, drippy, blowsey, but I like it. It seems to be suggesting movement. The female figure is drifting or walking deliberately into mist. She is surrounded by faces -- or memories of faces -- watching her, looking away from her, kissing and looking straight at the viewer. I wasn't keen on adding the faces because it just seemed "tagged on" -- pasted -- but then, upon closer inspection, I realized the face at the lower left corner seemed to be my friend Rebekah and in the upper right hand corner the face looks a lot like Josh. Conclusion? I was subconsciously missing my friends, I think. Or their spirits just left an imprint on my painting that day. Who knows? The effect is there and I let it be.
You can tell it's getting closer to Halloween -- my favorite time of year -- when many of my painted images are coming out undead-looking! With this painting I used only the murky used water after I did the painting above. I also used a silver metallic watercolor pencil. I wasn't sure the effect of the silver was going to show up, but here it looks just swell. My favorite part of this painting is the little dribble of reddish-pink just off the lower lip, as if this ghost or zombie just got done having a midnight snack.
Which gets me thinking... Ever notice how often vampires in popular media (paintings, posters, games, etc.) are shown with blood dribbling off their lips and chins? I've never liked that look. I want to see (or create) more images of vamps who are neat eaters -- like they were smart enough to bring some wet naps or something -- because most of the time I'm pretty sure I'm looking at a vampire and don't need another artist to show me that a figure is a vampire by making their pretty faces blood smudged and smeared! *giggles* At other times I look at a painting of a vampire with a messy face and think they just got done eating some barbecue ribs!
Top hat man. Man in a hot top -- did I just type that? Yes, I did. Hot top. Might as well just say he's from Hot Topic! Jeez...
My friend Miya said: "I like him. I see him as a fey creature here to woo an unsuspecting female... He gives her love and and a muse's creativity in exchange for slowly absorbing her life. He's beautifully dark."
I really love her assessment of this painting and can't say anything better about it.
I miss doing art assignments like I did in college, it gave me a goal to work toward each week. I remember one assignment Rob Stolzer gave my class: draw and paint a series of big images in tiny space, then do a series of small images in a big space -- basically use the most of what little space you have to work with and don't over use the abundance of space you have. It's an interesting drawing experiment. I had the memory of that assignment in my mind when working on all three paintings here.
I like giving myself new things to do based on old idea. It's an ordinary challenge. A start that works me toward a goal. And yet I still feel I don't paint or draw enough. I've always got to do MORE.
I also had run out of masking tape and am nearly out of paper! Oh, dear. Yet my urge to paint spoke louder than my poverty -- I ended up cutting the two pages of watercolor paper into bits and stretched it using scotch tape! The paint bled in the corners where the clear tape wouldn't take, altogether creating some pleasant effects. Sometimes using so called "mistakes" can accentuate the finished image. So these are watercolor rough drafts. Will they ever be finished? No.
This painting is very blurry, drippy, blowsey, but I like it. It seems to be suggesting movement. The female figure is drifting or walking deliberately into mist. She is surrounded by faces -- or memories of faces -- watching her, looking away from her, kissing and looking straight at the viewer. I wasn't keen on adding the faces because it just seemed "tagged on" -- pasted -- but then, upon closer inspection, I realized the face at the lower left corner seemed to be my friend Rebekah and in the upper right hand corner the face looks a lot like Josh. Conclusion? I was subconsciously missing my friends, I think. Or their spirits just left an imprint on my painting that day. Who knows? The effect is there and I let it be.
You can tell it's getting closer to Halloween -- my favorite time of year -- when many of my painted images are coming out undead-looking! With this painting I used only the murky used water after I did the painting above. I also used a silver metallic watercolor pencil. I wasn't sure the effect of the silver was going to show up, but here it looks just swell. My favorite part of this painting is the little dribble of reddish-pink just off the lower lip, as if this ghost or zombie just got done having a midnight snack.
Which gets me thinking... Ever notice how often vampires in popular media (paintings, posters, games, etc.) are shown with blood dribbling off their lips and chins? I've never liked that look. I want to see (or create) more images of vamps who are neat eaters -- like they were smart enough to bring some wet naps or something -- because most of the time I'm pretty sure I'm looking at a vampire and don't need another artist to show me that a figure is a vampire by making their pretty faces blood smudged and smeared! *giggles* At other times I look at a painting of a vampire with a messy face and think they just got done eating some barbecue ribs!
Top hat man. Man in a hot top -- did I just type that? Yes, I did. Hot top. Might as well just say he's from Hot Topic! Jeez...
My friend Miya said: "I like him. I see him as a fey creature here to woo an unsuspecting female... He gives her love and and a muse's creativity in exchange for slowly absorbing her life. He's beautifully dark."
I really love her assessment of this painting and can't say anything better about it.
I miss doing art assignments like I did in college, it gave me a goal to work toward each week. I remember one assignment Rob Stolzer gave my class: draw and paint a series of big images in tiny space, then do a series of small images in a big space -- basically use the most of what little space you have to work with and don't over use the abundance of space you have. It's an interesting drawing experiment. I had the memory of that assignment in my mind when working on all three paintings here.
I like giving myself new things to do based on old idea. It's an ordinary challenge. A start that works me toward a goal. And yet I still feel I don't paint or draw enough. I've always got to do MORE.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Why I Wore Purple Today
I want to tell you that you are not alone. You are loved. More loved than you'll ever know. I'm sorry they pick on you. They can't understand you because you're not like them. They bully you to get you to conform, to beat you into submission. But you are better than their cruelty. No one should hate you for who you are. And who's to say anyone else knows but you? I am proud that you are different. I salute you. Purple is my favorite color. I'll wear it everyday to keep you in this world. When you see me in purple it's my way to say I care and that I love you. Let my love shield you, heal you, keep you safe. I know what it's like to walk the world and feel like no one cares. I know it is hard to ignore rejection, hard to face hostility on a daily basis, hard to hold your head up... but there is a whole 'nother world out here waiting to embrace you, to encourage and celebrate you. Don't give in to that sadness that overshadows you at times. Work your way through it. They may never get over how different you are and that is their problem, not yours. You are special. I love you. I love all of you.
If only wearing my favorite purple dress today -- you know the one that is so vibrantly purple people stop and stare at me and give me double takes as I walk past them? -- would get you to see how much I support you or get you to smile for just one more day and laugh away the pain, then maybe dying my hair purple will show you even more how much I'm your fan, I'm your girl! But, uh, dying my hair purple, well... it ended up coming out really dark today. So my hair is deep blue. The deep blue, if anyone asks me, represents the deep well of tears I've cried for you, the tears I've cried for myself back when I was your age and didn't feel I belonged anywhere. I, too, tried several times to die, yet you'd never know it now. I'm different like you. And I'll stay different in my eye-catching purple and tragic blue hair for love of you.
Look at me and know I'm here for you.
If you are crazy enough to try to die than you are crazy enough to survive.
If only wearing my favorite purple dress today -- you know the one that is so vibrantly purple people stop and stare at me and give me double takes as I walk past them? -- would get you to see how much I support you or get you to smile for just one more day and laugh away the pain, then maybe dying my hair purple will show you even more how much I'm your fan, I'm your girl! But, uh, dying my hair purple, well... it ended up coming out really dark today. So my hair is deep blue. The deep blue, if anyone asks me, represents the deep well of tears I've cried for you, the tears I've cried for myself back when I was your age and didn't feel I belonged anywhere. I, too, tried several times to die, yet you'd never know it now. I'm different like you. And I'll stay different in my eye-catching purple and tragic blue hair for love of you.
Look at me and know I'm here for you.
If you are crazy enough to try to die than you are crazy enough to survive.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
My Card Decks
The very first Tarot deck I ever dared to illustrate was a simple black and white one but my skills hadn't yet developed enough for me to really make a marketable deck. I also happen to be a Tarot reader myself and whenever I set out to create a card deck, I consider the many beautiful decks I have used as a professional psychic. It's easy to illustrate a card deck that is very personal but what about one that everyone can easily interpret? It's not an easy task. One that takes years. Over the past five (or is it six?) years I've been busy painting and designing card decks for divination and for healing, using traditional and contemporary methods and iconography to illustrate my own unique take on the Tarot and playing cards. I'm not satisfied with each painting and I could use some feedback. I apologize in advance for so many images here! It may take you a long while to page through them. I don't have many moments to describe each image and why I created it. I want to do several Tarot decks, but for now, this is it! Take a peek at what keeps me home on my lonesome for days and nights on end... and keep in mind each of the three decks here are still unfinished.
Fairy Godmother Healing Card Deck 2006-10:
What if all Fairy Godmothers in fairytales were really drag queens with magical powers? Each one of the faces you see below is a Fairy Godmother who can grant you a special wish that corresponds with each of their personalities and supernatural abilities. Each one has their own name, magical spell, and unique form of luck that will be granted to whomever recieves a card with their face on it. I would like to make this very special card deck coincide with a charity and have the cards distributed to people who need a boost of humor and luck while they are sick or dying. I think there's a real need for something like this in the world. I would like to collaborate with a real drag queen (or a group of them) who can contribute their own take on each Fairy Godmother (or sponsor them) to make them official.
The above image is the opening painting that will open the book of the Fairy Godmothers. Each face painted here is one of the Fairies who rules for each element. See if you can guess which one controls what!
There are over 100 Fairy Godmothers now. The last 32 I painted were done while my own mother was dying during the week/end of March 23rd. The very last Fairy Godmother was created right after my mother's funeral. He is the classic sacred clown figure -- a Fairy Godmother of such special mystery, he coyly shushes your questions with his finger on his lip. Two other Fairy Godmothers are of famous personalities John Waters and Divine. I would like to include other famous queens, but that would be permission pending -- heck I'd have to really write to John for permission, too -- so I didn't go out of my way to make any of the other Fairy Godmothers after famous people.
The Valentina Tarot Deck, 2004-6:
I've always wanted to paint a dramatic Tarot deck worthy of my own imagination, but would it sell? Would psychics like it? I have put so many personal icons in this deck, I fear I may have to make it more commercial, more impersonal, more professional (?). I was going through a lot of personal inter-relationship drama during the period I painted this deck -- some of that drama seeped through. Some of my old friends may recognize themselves or others in this deck. The next Tarot deck I create I plan to make things a bit more traditional. For now this fully painted deck remains on the back burner...
This was to be the back cover image for each card:
But I felt it might be a tad bit too presumptious to include more than one image of myself in my own deck. I was even clueless as to what to call the deck! So I just named it after myself.
The Major Arcana
The Fool, The Magician, The High Priestess, The Empress, The Emperor
The Heirophant, The Lovers, The Chariot, Justice, The Hermit
The Wheel of Fortune, Strength, The Hanged Woman, Death, Temperance
The Devil, The Towers, Star, The Moon, The Sun
Judgement, The World
The Minor Arcana: Wands, Cups, Swords, and Pentacles
The Wands
The Court of the Wands
Child of Wands, Jack of Wands (Jack Kerouac), Queen of Wands, King of Wands
The Cups
The Court of the Cups
Children of Cups, Jack of Cups, Queen of Cups, King of Cups
The Swords
The Court of the Swords
Child of Swords, Joan of Swords (Joan of Arc), Queen of Swords, King of Swords
The Pentacles
The Court of the Pentacles
Child of Pentacles, Jack of Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles (myself), King of Pentacles
Valentina's Mlle. Lenormand Fortune Cards 2005 -7:
Inspired by the 36 card Lenormand fortunetelling system, and based on traditional playing card decks, the following original card designs are referred to by their images and meanings, not just by their suit or number.
Hearts
Ace of Hearts: The Gentleman, Jack of Hearts: Heart or New Love, King of Hearts: Home, Queen of Hearts: The Stork
10 of Hearts: The Dog, 9 of Hearts: Chevalier or Courier, 8 of Hearts: The Moon, 7 of Hearts: The Tree, 6 of Hearts: The Star or Diva
Diamonds
Ace of Diamonds: The Sun, Jack of Diamonds: Scythe, King of Diamonds: The Fish, Queen of Diamonds: The Crossroads
Ten of Diamonds: The Book, Nine of Diamonds: The Coffin, Eight of Diamonds: The Key, Seven of Diamonds: The Birds
The Spades
Ace of Spades: The Lady, Jack of Spades: The Child, King of Spades: the Lillies, Queen of Spades: The Roses
Ten of Spades: The Boat, Nine of Spades: The Anchor, Eight of Spades: The Garden, Seven of Spades: The Letter, Six of Spades: The Tower
The Clubs
Ace of Clubs: The Ring, Jack of Clubs: The Rod, King of Clubs: Clouds, Queen of Clubs: Serpent
Ten of Clubs: The Bear, Nine of Clubs: The Fox, Eight of Clubs: The Mountains or Journey, Seven of Clubs: The Rat, Six of Clubs: Cross
And here's a sample of how I once imagined they'd look like as a traditional playing deck. I want the cards to be black, not white, to make them stand out. This isn't perfect-looking, but you get the sense of where I was going with this.
I look back at each one of my "babies" here and realize I still have a long way to go in developing a true deck of cards. In the next few days I will be doing a lot of reviewing of my artwork as I try to determine where in life I belong and how best I should allow the world to use me.
If an image or two really speaks to you, please let me know. I am working hard to get my act together and make these cards available for publishing and sale.
Fairy Godmother Healing Card Deck 2006-10:
What if all Fairy Godmothers in fairytales were really drag queens with magical powers? Each one of the faces you see below is a Fairy Godmother who can grant you a special wish that corresponds with each of their personalities and supernatural abilities. Each one has their own name, magical spell, and unique form of luck that will be granted to whomever recieves a card with their face on it. I would like to make this very special card deck coincide with a charity and have the cards distributed to people who need a boost of humor and luck while they are sick or dying. I think there's a real need for something like this in the world. I would like to collaborate with a real drag queen (or a group of them) who can contribute their own take on each Fairy Godmother (or sponsor them) to make them official.
The above image is the opening painting that will open the book of the Fairy Godmothers. Each face painted here is one of the Fairies who rules for each element. See if you can guess which one controls what!
There are over 100 Fairy Godmothers now. The last 32 I painted were done while my own mother was dying during the week/end of March 23rd. The very last Fairy Godmother was created right after my mother's funeral. He is the classic sacred clown figure -- a Fairy Godmother of such special mystery, he coyly shushes your questions with his finger on his lip. Two other Fairy Godmothers are of famous personalities John Waters and Divine. I would like to include other famous queens, but that would be permission pending -- heck I'd have to really write to John for permission, too -- so I didn't go out of my way to make any of the other Fairy Godmothers after famous people.
The Valentina Tarot Deck, 2004-6:
I've always wanted to paint a dramatic Tarot deck worthy of my own imagination, but would it sell? Would psychics like it? I have put so many personal icons in this deck, I fear I may have to make it more commercial, more impersonal, more professional (?). I was going through a lot of personal inter-relationship drama during the period I painted this deck -- some of that drama seeped through. Some of my old friends may recognize themselves or others in this deck. The next Tarot deck I create I plan to make things a bit more traditional. For now this fully painted deck remains on the back burner...
This was to be the back cover image for each card:
But I felt it might be a tad bit too presumptious to include more than one image of myself in my own deck. I was even clueless as to what to call the deck! So I just named it after myself.
The Major Arcana
The Fool, The Magician, The High Priestess, The Empress, The Emperor
The Heirophant, The Lovers, The Chariot, Justice, The Hermit
The Wheel of Fortune, Strength, The Hanged Woman, Death, Temperance
The Devil, The Towers, Star, The Moon, The Sun
Judgement, The World
The Minor Arcana: Wands, Cups, Swords, and Pentacles
The Wands
The Court of the Wands
Child of Wands, Jack of Wands (Jack Kerouac), Queen of Wands, King of Wands
The Cups
The Court of the Cups
Children of Cups, Jack of Cups, Queen of Cups, King of Cups
The Swords
The Court of the Swords
Child of Swords, Joan of Swords (Joan of Arc), Queen of Swords, King of Swords
The Pentacles
The Court of the Pentacles
Child of Pentacles, Jack of Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles (myself), King of Pentacles
Valentina's Mlle. Lenormand Fortune Cards 2005 -7:
Inspired by the 36 card Lenormand fortunetelling system, and based on traditional playing card decks, the following original card designs are referred to by their images and meanings, not just by their suit or number.
Hearts Ace of Hearts: The Gentleman, Jack of Hearts: Heart or New Love, King of Hearts: Home, Queen of Hearts: The Stork
10 of Hearts: The Dog, 9 of Hearts: Chevalier or Courier, 8 of Hearts: The Moon, 7 of Hearts: The Tree, 6 of Hearts: The Star or Diva
Diamonds Ace of Diamonds: The Sun, Jack of Diamonds: Scythe, King of Diamonds: The Fish, Queen of Diamonds: The Crossroads
Ten of Diamonds: The Book, Nine of Diamonds: The Coffin, Eight of Diamonds: The Key, Seven of Diamonds: The Birds
The Spades Ace of Spades: The Lady, Jack of Spades: The Child, King of Spades: the Lillies, Queen of Spades: The Roses
Ten of Spades: The Boat, Nine of Spades: The Anchor, Eight of Spades: The Garden, Seven of Spades: The Letter, Six of Spades: The Tower
The Clubs Ace of Clubs: The Ring, Jack of Clubs: The Rod, King of Clubs: Clouds, Queen of Clubs: Serpent
Ten of Clubs: The Bear, Nine of Clubs: The Fox, Eight of Clubs: The Mountains or Journey, Seven of Clubs: The Rat, Six of Clubs: Cross
And here's a sample of how I once imagined they'd look like as a traditional playing deck. I want the cards to be black, not white, to make them stand out. This isn't perfect-looking, but you get the sense of where I was going with this.
I look back at each one of my "babies" here and realize I still have a long way to go in developing a true deck of cards. In the next few days I will be doing a lot of reviewing of my artwork as I try to determine where in life I belong and how best I should allow the world to use me.
If an image or two really speaks to you, please let me know. I am working hard to get my act together and make these cards available for publishing and sale.
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