Regarding the Fine Art of Eating MY Own Foot

Watch what you say? Believe it or not, I do all the time, but most usually AFTER I've said something! I've spent countless hours, days, YEARS remembering the things I've said and what someone else has said that I didn't mean, or that they didn't mean, or remember, but the difference between what I remember and what was said/written in a blog, or in a few lines on Facebook, is that the latter can IMMEDIATELY come back to haunt me. What is posted in a few moments of heated passion can bite you back in the ass, and keep on biting you for a long while, especially when other people who may or may not know you well, express themselves just as heatedly back at you. It may seem some people's common sense is impaired when they, time after line written in anger, forget that (to quote my friend Michelle) "the internet is open ended" and have their angry words echoed back to them on a platter of verbal backlash with a side order of embitterness.




I'm a very outspoken person and very emotional, I tend to express myself loudly all the time and, no matter what, people react just as loudly back at me. Sometimes they don't react right away and let their angry back lash brew until they pop a vein and spit their veniom at me when I least expect it. I don't mind a healthy back lash, but some people need to back off and just let someone spill their guts if they want to. Even though I realize the internet is "open-ended", I still relish my freedom of expression and will speak loudly, perhaps even more daringly so than I usually would offline, online. In my experience, I have discovered that whether what I write is nicely and politely said or not, someone out there is going to take offense or make unfair judgements upon my character based on what I say as easily as they would offline. Except when what I say is written down for everyone to see online, I am inadvertantly inviting anyone and their mother to react just as loudly to me online, and they will, especially so when they misinterpret what I have said as an attack. With the advent of the internet, people are safe in their own homes on their laptops to let their opinions fly out and let their ignorance and hatred show more so than they ever would let out in their lives offline. It's also extremely easy to hop on the bandwagon of opinions and "gang up" on whomever voiced the most unpopular opinion. The more passionate and stubborn the voice, the more tenacious the protest against that voice. But don't forget -- sometimes the outspoken person has something to just get off their chest and, even though it may prove to give a knee jerk reaction to someone else's nerves, it is just their opinion based on their feelings, right or wrong -- you can't force someone else to think or feel the way you do and we have no control over what they will think about us. What is the most important thing is what we think and feel about ourselves, and once you find your confidence, you will revel in the freedom you have to speak your mind and heart, and NO MATTER how much everyone and their mom hates what you have said, they can't hurt you.




Even though I have been unfairly bullied by the opinions of others, I will never trade a day of silence, never go back to the times I let others make decisions for me or talk over me -- the uncomfortableness I feel today when even the closest of friends disagree with me over what I believe is NOTHING compared to the pain of suffering in silence. It is a good thing to express yourself openly and brutally honestly than sit back and let other people speak for you (or speak all over you if the case may be). If someone is feeling angry, or has hatred in their heart, or are depressed, they will find it easiest to let it out online; but the freedom to express yourself comes with a double edge to it, speech is like a sword -- what we say can cut others down just as easily as it can cut through the clouds and clear the air. If you don't know how to use your sword, you'll end up cutting yourself more and getting it stuck in the ground when you use it to just randomly attack anything out there. To use your sword correctly, you have to take the time to really think before you speak, really polish and sharpen it... We also have to realize when NOT to pick up the sword -- that we just as easily have the freedom to ignore what someone else has said and to let it go if we don't agree with what is said because sometimes no matter what you say, nothing will produce a positive change.




Over the years I've been accused of taking things too far or going over the top with my words, but truth is, it is only MY opinion that proves to be unpopular and I don't shut-up or "behave" when others disagree with me (maybe this is why I'm accused of being so difficult). I'm stubborn and passionate, but at least all my friends know what time it is with me. I am quick to speak up and protest something, especially when I feel that someone is being unfair to me or someone else. Occasionally I have been wrong in my assumptions of others and I have expressed "sorry" to them, because usually I'm being misunderstood. When you live what you believe and feel "out in the open" your views will be questioned, protested, and taken the wrong way. I'm used to having to fight for any love and acceptance I can get; sometimes I forget to be softer, more gentle towards others. I'm not always prepared for the negative reaction I recieve from people who do not know me well. And even if they DO know me well, I can taken off guard when a friend lashes back at me. Even though I don't like it, I can be proven wrong, it's just when they don't stop to really listen to me and attack me out of a misunderstanding, I am forced into a corner. I don't back down easily because I've learned that, when I do, I get stomped on! I invite people to disagree with me, but there comes a time for us all to shut-the-fuck-up, listen, and then ask for clarification. Too often we're so busy getting out what we think and feel, we forget to take into consideration what someone else is going through -- I'm guilty of that, too. It hurts no matter what side you're on!




I've long tortured myself over the way some people have reacted to what I say, and I'm not giving in to that anymore. I have realized that I have no control over what other people will think about me, but I can put it out there that anything and everything is open for discussion with me -- equally and doubly so on the internet. Just don't hit me upside my head the moment I say something you don't agree with. If you're going to "fight" with me, I invite you to do so in an intelligent, peaceful, adult manner... even if the subject we're disagreeing on is stupid -- especially so if it's stupid! Because a disagreement over something stupid is not worth the loss of a friendship.




I've put both feet in my mouth occasionally, and have the lingering bad taste in my mind to prove it, and I don't mind admitting when I am sorry. I just don't think some people are prepared for the onslaught of negative opinion and reactions they will get when they post their inner most thoughts online for everyone to comment on. And...

If you invite me to give you my most honest opinion, and you don't like what I have to say, you shouldn't feel like you have to end our friendship when we disagree. That happened to me not too long ago... someone asked for my advice and opinion time and time again and I didn't back down, but when I did finally back off and chose to express my anguish online, that's when I was attacked by her and her mother. Next time I will simply ask those who ask me what I think, whether or not they really want to hear what I have to say. I try to be careful about what I say, but I am only human. I've been wrong and I've been sorry yet I will never NOT tell you my truth! This means I may come off intimidating, but this is only because I have the confidence to speak what someone else may not have the courage, or nerve, to say.



Yet am I brave enough to thrust my foot into my gaping, non-stop talking mouth? Sure. As long as these feet are clean.

I Miss Writing

Happy year 2011, all.  I haven't blogged here or anywhere else much lately, partly due to having a lot more distractions in my home.  I remember now why I haven't had cable TV in so many years, and it isn't just simply because I didn't have the income to pay for it, it's because I can turn into a TV zombie.  I'm catching up on shows and news so much, before I know it the day is half gone or it's too late at night, and especially after watching a gazillion news shows, I start to feel heavy, like I'm sedated, totally put into a mood where I don't want to move.  Then as I try to sleep, I close my eyes and keep seeing flashes of faces, a residual effect from watching too much TV, I'm sure. 

The other little problem I've been experiencing lately is that even though I have immediate access to the internet, now that I have a computer hooked up at home (yay!), there are times I just get online to vegitate some more.  I get on Facebook and just play around, take a few quizzes, and before long hours have gone by, my eyes get tired, and then the ennui robs me of my creativity.  I head back into my bedroom and want to draw, but my mind is so tired, so bored out, emptied of ideas, just bleh.  I've given myself a "creative migraine" out of this -- my imagination has pooped out sludge and before long each time I sit down to draw, I just sit there, and to get my mind off it I turn the TV back on or start up the computer.  I log into Mindsay or Blogger and just stare at the blank pages.  It doesn't help that I no longer have the social rapport that I once had here.  Whether or not I blog here, the old friends I once came here to blog back and forth with aren't all here anymore, and it seems like there's a general lack of interest in blogging by others.  I've noticed that in just the last two years, activity on blogs seems to have dwindled.  People like the instant gratification of Twitter or Facebook -- and even I have fallen for it, too.

Writing a blog is, well, about writing.  Journal writing, to be exact.  I keep several handwritten journals at home.  Blogging is public journal writing, so I tend to put more thought and energy into what I want to say for everyone to see.  Sometimes I get online to just react immediately, and even though I don't always write what is the most thoughtful thing to say (and possibly what I wouldn't naturally say in person), I will examine and re-examine what I've written.  In any case, the point I'm trying to make is that blogging, to me, is basically essay-like and can be a kind of chore.  I have to take more time to write a blog.  Checking Facebook is a breeze, but ultimately I don't get as much joy out of it as I do blogging.  Because Facebook is like candy; it doesn't feed my creativity like the good ole ritual of writing does.

I don't often make new year's resolutions, because such promises we make at the turn of a year don't get kept, but this year I really want to channel my energy into writing more.  Not just blogging.  Not just getting online to play with Facebook applications.  Not just to post hundreds of photographs.  I need to get back into the writing, really give myself assignments, really kick out the words I've got collected in the back of my mind, and stop myself from sinking into apathy.

Writing to me is like drawing...  I have a lot of stories to show and tell, writing is just another way to draw things out of my imagination.  I'll always keep a general blog out of my general need for self expression, but I want to stretch out and make writing itself a goal this year.  There are several areas/subjects I want to focus on: write my Witchcraft autobiography, write an on-going online poetry journal, write and revise my ficitional vignettes (I've got notebooks full of them that I could make into short stories), and write a book on Tarot and about my experiences as a reader (amongst many other things that aren't coming to mind right at this moment).  Like the sketchbook goal I made last year (I filled up four sketchbooks-full of drawings), this year I'm just going to let my words fly via keyboard and pen.  The goal isn't about getting my writing published, it's just about writing, just getting the words out, and not necessarily filling up several notebooks or blogs full of my words.  I just want to, and owe it to myself, to get back into writing so I can help myself break the habit of just sitting here and not accomplishing anything.

I want to write just as much as I draw.  Let the words flow...