A Self Interview

I invite you to get to know me and, in asking the questions I will answer, perhaps I will know myself better, too.

What did you see out the window you look out the most today?
As soon as I enter my living room to gaze out the window, my cat, Mr. Snuggles, jumps up on the ledge to beat me to the glass.  He's never too much in my way as I look.  Outside the clouds got thicker, night approaching kind of dark was growing, and the darker it became the brighter and more yellow-orange the light behind me got.  Before I could see the reflection of the lamp in the window, I noticed a lone misquitoe struggling as it flew -- it would be one of the last to survive if it can live past the frost we will recieve late tonight.  There has been a lot of activity outside my window.  Chipmunks squeal and scatter when they notice me and the cat watching them.  Lately large Flickers out number Robins -- I love the black crescents on their breasts and the red patches on their heads -- as they peck at the green-brown grass.  Dead leaves in the color of yellows and reds are starting to fall and amass at my door.  I enjoy watching them fly in the wind.  But my last thoughts as I gazed out my window was "I really need to wash this window" (and yet I keep it dirty because I like the nose prints on it from the cat) and "I want to put up more Halloween clings on the glass" (yet I don't want them to be too campy) and "I hope my neighbor Portia brings in her plants tonight, else they are going to die in the frost."

What did you do with your arms today?
I held my cat, hugged my pillows and blankets, held a pencil and finished a couple new sketches, rubbed my elbows, grabbed my purse, and used them to balance myself over a tunnel so I could view some fish up close in a creek bed outside.

What has a child told you lately?
The last time a child spoke to me it was at the local video store.  She was about four or five, pointed at me, and said out loud so everyone in the store could hear, "Momma!  That lady over there is REALLY PRETTY!"  I didn't know she was talking about me.  I was very flattered when her mother looked at me and agreed.  I told them thank you.  Most of the time I get children telling me I'm fat in public.  So now I must be doing something right with myself!

When did you last have a good time singing? 
Who were you singing with or to who? 
What did you sing?
I sing everyday!  More so in private than in public.  Mostly to my cat, the lovely Mr. Snuggles.  I sang him the "nom, nom" song while I poured him some food.  Later I plan on giving myself a "concert" in the shower!  I usually sing Stevie Nicks and Lady Gaga songs.  I wonder if the neighbors ever hear me?  No matter.  I love to sing.  I think I should sing more often.  I sing rather well... when I put some effort into it and am confident.

How do you make it through the bad times?
I tend to withdraw from people so I can have myself a good, long cry without interruption.  At other times I crash into my bed and sleep.  And when I don't sleep or cry in bed, I lay there and talk to myself.  When I'm in public having a hard time, I try to lessen the pain and embarassment by focusing on things, people, places, and memories that I love. 

When did you do something you wouldn't have done until then? 
Why did you do it? 
Are you still doing it?
Shockingly, the first time I learned how to ride a bike was when I was 32!  I did it for the love of a man who was encouraging me to learn so I could accompany him cross country up north on Beaver Island.  I also just wanted to show him I could do it because he seemed to be believing in me so much, I didn't want to let him down because, if I had failed to learn, I also would never hear the end of it.  I learned to ride on a bike that was not built for me.  I ended up developing blisters on my ass and aggravated my hemorroids to the point I couldn't walk or sit without a great amount of pain.  The man I loved thought I was exaggerating the pain but since I wanted to still impress him I could overcome, I didn't DARE tell him why I was really in pain.  He was only 21, attractive, spirited, and I feared easily grossing him out.  I wanted him to see me as attractive as I saw him.  Oh, the things we do for love, eh?

I no longer ride a bike because:
a)  I don't own one
b)  After suffering a few more injuries and sores, it hurt to ride too much
c)   Bike riding now reminds me of the failed relationship

What do you do that makes you tired? 
Do you like doing it?
Drawing.  I don't like doing it, I LOVE IT but the activity wears out my fingers, wrists, and arms.  Everything from the elbow down can ache to the point where all I can do is sleep and wait for the pain to cease.  Even opening a soda bottle to holding a glass tumbler can cramp up my digits.  I've had this problem for a long while and it prevents me from doing large, drawn out, major works of art I wish I could accomplish, like graphic novels.  Now I concentrate on creating smaller projects.  I slowly plan out my paintings and drawings now, often tracing over my own sketches to complete a composition.  I use tracing paper like some artists use a lightbox.  It takes me longer to finish my drawings now, but I continue to challenge myself, pushing my limits, dreaming of the day when I'll have large collections of my work polished for a show or publication.  I don't do it for the fame or money, I do it out of love.  If I didn't love it, I wouldn't put myself through all this pain.

Who do you miss?  Where are they now?
I miss so many friends, past and present, but I would say the one I miss the most right now is Dianna.  She is a great buddy to talk to, share a meal with, and watch movies and TV shows with.  Whenever we get together we end up talking about our favorite celebrities as if we were on a first name basis with them!  Together I'd imagine we'd make a great televised talk show.  In fact being together -- we really put on a show!  She's also the kind of friend I can say anything to and argue with and we stay close.  We're also a bit like Beaches -- Valentina and Dianna, even though we live in different cities and lead different lives, we always get back together and take off where we last left off, as if we've never parted.

Dianna lives in Milwaukee, the city of my birth and my other "home" town.  I'd love to visit her more often but just haven't got the money or nerve to enter the big little city again.

As I think about it more, I really miss Rachael, Damien, Jenn, Julie, and Greg, too.  They are all my old Milwaukee friends -- the ones who witnessed me go through some heavy changes and lived to tell the tale.  We helped each other get by.  They are good people I wish to share with my new friends.

What is something you do daily that your friends and family don't know about?
I am a divination nut.  Reading signs in nature and in people, constantly determining what is going on, trying to stay ahead, but mostly doing it just to stay sane.  I am overly sensitive to everything.  This makes me highly intuitive and yet I can be a total ditz, clumsily making my way in the world because I'm so strongly intuned to the invisible things I can forget to ground myself, keep myself in this world!  Imagination and intuition go hand in hand, at war with my skeptical mind, too.  I divine without even realizing I'm doing it now.  While a friend is talking to me about something ordinary, I'm distracted by the birds flying over us, busy detecting the pattern of their flight and what it will mean.  It's crazy, I know.  I don't often share what I'm seeing because I want to continue to seem like I'm paying attention to what someone is saying to me, but it's just too easy for me to get swept away by the rest of the things in the world and their inner meanings.

Are you a nice person?
I'd like to think so.  It depends upon my mood.  I have the potential to be a very mean bitch, a dark side of myself I'm always fighting.  I'll walk away from someone just to NOT be a bitch.  I know how words can hurt.  I endeavor to treat others as I would like to be treated, but some people, well...  make that a very difficult thing to do.  I'm always afraid I'm going to be mean.  I have a poison tongue.  I can cut you down and bite you if you push me too far.  I'm not above speaking my mind and some people interpret that as being hurtful.  I always feel sorry whenever something I've done or said has hurt someone and I always remember to apologize, that is, if there is an opportunity to say so.  So, uh, yeah, I'm nice.  I'm more loyal than nice.  You can be mean.  You can disagree with me and I won't hurt you.  But that doesn't make me a push over.

What do you feel is missing in your life?
I'm a single woman.  I haven't had a boyfriend, or any kind of bedroom romantic friend, for many years.  I'm terrified of dating.  I just want to meet someone, find out that we're the love of our lives, marry, and be done with it!  But it doesn't work out that way, of course.  There are times I look at myself and wonder why no one "has" me, but there are equal times when I look back at myself and not wonder.  In order to have a romantic relationship I'd have to be with someone who is not only understanding, but very patient.  I don't think I'm easy to live with.  I like my independence too much.  I don't know what it is truly like to be part of a couple!  Falling in love is one thing, actually staying in love is another.  I wish to not live all my days alone, but at age 39 I'm accepting myself more and wish not to be disturbed, yet then... I don't know!  When I fall in love, I can get obsessive, too.  I just haven't had the best of luck.  Sometimes I'd rather just dream about love.  It's really sad.  It throws me into a deep depression.  I know I'm attractive and can make a great girlfriend, but there's something inside me that keeps people at a distance.

What friend had the greatest impact on your life?
This is hard to answer.  It involves naming a man I used to obsess over who didn't deserve my love, a man who was arrogant and a show-off, a man of artistc ambition and a social chameleon who, if you'd ask him, he'd brag to you that he was the reason why I got into comics.  Wrong!  I wanted to be a comic artist since grade school.  Up through my twenties I was still a wide-eyed, hero-worshipping girl but I didn't have a lot of self esteem.  All the guys gave me a hard time and yet I looked up to them. The reason why he impacted my life so hard was he disillusioned me.  When I found out he was making fun of me behind my back, I got to see who he really was and I discovered I liked myself more.  I had no more heroes to worship.  All my heroes ended up becoming very drab and human, I saw them for who they were.  The glitter was gone.  I'm now convinced most, if not all, the writers and artists I admire are jerks.  I prepare myself to meet assholes everywhere I go just so I can be surprised to find out they aren't!  I go with the expectation that they will break my heart so my heart won't get broken when they treat me like a fool.  Thank you, Brandon, for enlightening me.  I now know who to look out for and who not to become.  Sad, isn't it?  But it's true.

Am I bitter?  Not really.  Just disappointed with the negative experiences I was unfortunate to have in the comic book industry.  Or maybe I was fortunate.  Brandon wasn't the only guy I knew who taught me a few things.  I know enough now to just do what I love and say "fuck you" to all those who refuse to believe I don't have substance.

What family member had the greatest impact on your life?
My mother, of course.  She taught me to be religious.  Her intolerance taught me to be patient and open-minded.  She filled my life with spirit, so I became spiritual.   She broke away from Catholicism to find her own faith.  I had the gall and independence to find my own way, too, but it was never in rejection of her.  It didn't matter that we practiced different religions, what mattered was having a personal relationship with God.  Thank you, Mom, for bringing me up in churches, for taking me along on missionary trips, and for showing me what it means to have true devotion.